People often ask me how I am. “How are you?” “How was your day?” And then I do what everybody else in the world does; spit out the automatic “fine.”
But after that, in that awkward little silence that follows, people expect me to ask them “how are you?” back. And I never do.
This throws some people off. People have asked me why I don’t do it. Sometimes I get the snotty “well I’m fine too, thanks for asking”. I even remember someone taking it very personally once, and we didn’t speak for a week afterwards.
I don’t ask “how are you?” back, because I’ve found it to be fundamentally unnecessary. I used to ask it. I actually used to be the first one to ask it when beginning a new conversation. And due to this long previous experience in asking those three words, I now know that it’s a waste of time.
I actually already mentioned the reason why asking this question is futile. 95% of the time the answer is “fine”. Some flourish it with an “I’m” in the beginning, others like to mix it up by saying “good” instead of “fine”.
But in the end, fine is what the overwhelming majority of people are.
Of course I have no problem with people being fine, and it’s good to hear that people’s lives are going good. But the problem with this response is that there is no natural flow for where that conversation should continue next.
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Okay.”
When people tell you they’re not feeling so fine, you can always say “Aw, how come?” and take it from there. But somehow I find myself sounding incredibly odd if I ask people to list the reasons why they’re feeling fine. The only way to continue the conversation from there is to change the subject entirely. So what was the point of asking it in the first place?
Especially since the thing is so automatic. How are you, fine and you, also fine. It’s as if it’s the national greeting, mandated by a socialist government in commemoration of The Great Leader of the People, Fine, Sr. You just have to go through it before you can get to the meat and potatoes of a conversation, whether you like it or not.
Can you think of some other conversation starter that’s equally automatic? I can. It’s the hellos you say right before it. So effectively, “how are you” is a second, more verbal, layer of hello. A waste of time with no semantic purpose because nobody thinks about it when they answer. It’s a reflex. It’s a society of people who begin conversations by hammering each others’ knees.
As for the remaining 5% of the time when people are not feeling so chipper, the most common response I get is “Not so good, but I don’t want to talk about it”. I don’t know if people find me somehow especially hard to confide in. Or if I seem like the kind of person who enjoys dealing in schadenfreude more than sympathy. Perhaps they’re correct.
But I still find myself in a conversational cul-de-sac. They have just instructed me not to talk about this grievous misfortune that’s occupying their mind and clouding their day. And yet, if they have such a dark secret inside, I don’t suppose they’ll enjoy it much if I try to change the topic and tell a joke about a duck. There’s no way to disregard the heart-ache the other is experiencing without coming across like an insensitive dick. The conversation is dead. And I walked right into that minefield all on my own by asking “how are you?” back.
Now wait a minute. What about that small portion of people who are not fine and do want to talk about it (with you)?
Well if they’re feeling down and they want to talk to me about it, they will invariably bring it up on their own. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. Every single time I’ve had to console or advice my friends in sorrow, I never asked to be anybody’s therapist beforehand. I never asked to hear their problems or queried how their day is going.
They just start talking about it. Which is great. Then I didn’t need to probe them for any hot button issues, or ask them if it was okay to talk about it. They have the problem, they should set their own pace for unraveling it. Any shrink will tell you this.
You might think I’m over-analyzing this. That I should just conform to this non-optional social custom, grit my teeth and say it. But no.
According to a highly unscientific source, people have 50-60 conversations per day. Going through the “how are you?”s takes about four seconds without flourishes. 4 seconds × 60 conversations × 365 days makes for 87,600 seconds, or 24.333 hours. So basically each year, you spend a whole day going around asking people how they are. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer a hobby. Or even a COPS marathon.
What really sucks up time though are people complaining about me not saying it.
Well that’s it right there. Four seconds is still less than the four minutes it takes you to go through this rant.
Sure. And after someone gets angry about me “not caring about them”, we have an argument. And after the dust settles, I ask them how they are, and they tell me they’re “fine.”
I can’t be held accountable for the self-importance of other people.
